The Flip Side

The Flip Side

My first blog post in quite a long time. I only really add to the blog when I feel like I have something to say. I could endlessly ramble on in my Instagram stories, but I know most people who appear as if they have seen your story, don't actually listen to it, so it's kind of like shouting into the void.  This is why I've decided to write my feelings as a blog post entitled The Flip Side.

The Flip Side refers to the flipping of an image, which can present 2 completely different people. We have the mirror image, which is how we see ourselves, and the non mirror image which is supposedly how everyone else sees us. Most of the time, I like what I see in the mirror image, welllllll most of it. I see a decently attractive guy, with a good head of hair, nice dark features and fairly tall, but i also see eyes that can look quite tired, and teeth that I wish were whiter. Overall though I think i'm decent. This is the person I am in my head when I am out and about in social settings. I have enough confidence to navigate social environments and find enjoyment, but still enough insecurity to humble me greatly and stop me from becoming a complete fucking arsehole. 

In turn we also have the non mirror image, which is the image of us we rarely see but others only see. I only stumble across this version of me, like maybe someone wants to take a photo of you when you are in group of friends for example. I always jump in and say "use the snapchat camera" in a tone which is slightly urgent but tempered to not seem unattractive. This is because app cameras use a mirror image and phone cameras do not. I feel like I need to live in a world of ignorance to maintain my mental health on the issue. I know I won't like what I see in the phone camera image and it will send me down a rabbit hole of self hate. I see an asymmetrical face which is sloped on one side. Both eyes are different shapes and one is more hooded than the other. My left eye looks scrunched up compared to my right. My hair looks like all comes from one side and can barely reach the other side of my head. My head looks like a funny shape like half the lower side of my face comes slightly in on itself like its misshapen or I always think of it like a kidney bean (I got that from some comedy show I think). When I see this person, I become this person. I feel deformed and ugly. I start to feel like the other side of me is over confident in regards to my self image. The guys I have not progressed with sexually or romantically, partially because maybe I didn't find them physically attractive enough, or maybe they treated me badly more often than not, are now way more attractive than me, and I would have been lucky to have them. Upon the re-discovery of this image, I find myself chanting inside "I hate myself". I hate the way I look. 

This is when I seek re-assurance. The response I get most of the time is either guys online that have the hots for you exclaiming how beautiful you are, or close friends saying that they don't see the face I am describing when they are looking at the same image. I appreciate all the lovely support I receive online but without sounding ungrateful, it always feels slightly convoluted. They see the 2d version of me via photos and limited character tweets. They will have a pre-conceived idea of what I'm like if they haven't met me in real life, which wouldn't be open to the possibility most likely that I could be as ugly as the non mirror image. Sometimes it also feels like guys will say anything to get your pants off. They won't care about my weird eyes if they are looking at my brown eye, crude but true, sorry not sorry. My close friends say they don't see the image I see, but I know it's because of the distortion which happens in your head when you see the non mirror image, so they don't have the perspective to understand what I mean.

We see ourselves as what we see in the mirror. All reflections are mirrored. My understanding scientifically speaking is that we are so used to seeing ourselves in a mirror image that when we see an non mirror image of ourselves, our brains can't completely take it. Suddenly with a flipped image, everything on the left side, is actually on the right, this creates a unfamiliarity in our brains which in turn can psychologically create a distorted image. You will find 90% of people will see the same distortions in their own face in a non mirror image, right down to same descriptors of sloped face etc. I find comfort in this because I don't see the distortions that they see, so when others say that to me, I feel like I am seeing a distorted image of myself when I look at the non mirror image, that image isn't real. In that case, that should tie the whole thing up then, right?

Well apparently we see ourselves as more attractive than we actually are in the mirror image. It's a psychological thing apparently. None of us have a true grasp on reality when it comes to the way we look to others. This in itself slightly contradicts any re-assurance I have built myself when it comes to the understanding of the distortion. This brings me to a dead end. 

This is a point where some might exhaustingly blurt that it doesn't matter how you look, looks aren't everything and point towards all this being vanity, but is it?

I don't believe anyone can truly 100% fancy themselves. We see ourselves every time we look in the mirror or a reflection so this image isn't new and fresh, we are too accustomed to this, to find constant pleasure in seeing it. If someone is accused of being vain, it's said in a way which infers they fancy themselves too much, as if that's even possible. I cannot tell you how many times I've been called vain, and looking at my social media feed or how I check my hair in mirrors and app cameras, I can't blame people for having that opinion, but this is much deeper than people realise.

I was bullied quite a lot growing up (blah blah blah woe is me, get the violins out) I bring this up because it contextualises my supposed "vanity". Everyday when I was walking to high school, I would check out my reflection in shop and parked car windows. I wanted to make sure that not a single hair was out of place (which was quite impossible with cowlicks and double crowns) so that nobody had a reason to make fun of me. The point of contention was of course was that i denied I was gay and everyone was telling me I was as if i was being dishonest, when in fact I hadn't even truly discovered my own sexuality truly at that point, so in my head, I wasn't totally sure what I was. High school was pretty rough with guys not being able to stand me for some reason and girls generally liking me more but also a lot of popular girls thought I was a fucking loser. On a side note, this is why I don't think I could ever go to a high school reunion. I couldn't pretend I liked a lot of those people, and I feel too embittered to let bygones be bygones. Don't sigh and laugh as if those were days, I can't fucking stand you. Looking in mirrors and reflections, despairing trying to look perfect in what was a futile mission, gave me a false sense of control over my situation, like I could keep the bullying at bay if I looked good, or at the very least, not funny looking or ugly. So when someone accuses me of being vain, they don't realise how wrong they are, or at least they don't give credit to the idea that it isn't just "vanity". 

The way I used to only present myself online was only sexy-ish photos, because I sometimes feel that is the only value others hold of me. Many want to have sex with me, but nobody wants to be in a relationship with me, at least guys I find attractive. Maybe my taste in men is legendarily bad, that is also potentially a problem which tickles me. I can't blame people for only valuing how i look or the sexual possibilities of getting with me if thats all I present of value in myself. This is why I started posting less selfies, not just because of feeling ugly more often but also I'm more than just nice legs and ass, even though deep down I feel the only way I'm gonna get somewhere in life is through my physicality, which is why I hold it in high regard even though it shouldn't matter as much in the grand scheme of things. 

I find myself writing this blog post on a Monday morning of the first day of my annual leave this week. I should be sleeping in or doing things and having fun, but instead i'm pouring my heart out in this blog spot because I feel so low. I live with my brother who doesn't seem to have a lot of emotional availability, so I know that most of the time, he just wants to hurry up and shut up so he can continue playing his games, which is why i'm also rambling on in my instagram stories because I don't have anyone in close contact I can regularly open up to without feeling I was imposing myself on them and over loading them with all my problems when I'm sure they have many of their own. I like looking good, and feeling sexy, and by writing this I'm trying to expel the demon or release the kraken and get back to that more confident place. I have to have faith that I am more attractive than I feel. No image is ever true, as we all see something different in ourselves and others, so I'm trying to put my insecurities to one side and realise that ugly image isn't real and I won't let my rabbit hole demons take over. I'm probably gonna feel quite low today but it's a work in process and hopefully throughout this annual leave week I can rebuild my confidence. I'm having a night out on Saturday so I hope to regain enough confidence to wear my tight ass clothes and walk in the bar feeling like hot shit, or pretend I'm hotter shit than I actually am without being stand offish or full of it. 

I'm gonna stop rambling but I hope this insight into how I feel is a good reference point in understanding why I might not be the vain self involved ass that some may think I am. 

Thanks for reading :)