Isolation

As I am writing this, I am isolating with covid.

It's taken me 2 and a half years to catch covid, and in the style of a typical instagay testing positive, I have to say “She got me gal”.

I've worked in the NHS throughout the pandemic and before that for 6 years, and I was super cautious about everything I did, but recently I let that slide.

I just went through a break up of sorts, where despite only being with the person for 2 months, I genuinely thought I meant someone special. I did meet someone special, but they aren't the different kind of special I was hoping they would be.

After everything went tits up like it always does, I flew straight back onto the dating apps.

I wanted to get myself into a different frame of mind and get excited about meeting other people, and this culminated in going clubbing again.

I always said if I went to a club I would catch covid instantly, and despite calls from others to say that I was worrying too much, I was bloody right wasn't I?!

So now I'm writing this on the night of day 4, at the end of the weekend.

Everyone is out at Mighty Hoopla, Pride Events, Pride Awards, Group Get-Togethers, Sunny Weather Excursions, and I'm in the house watching my skin get dry and flaky, binging episodes of Buffy and Taskmaster.

I feel like the only one who has covid right now.

This isolation time isn't good for me, because I'm a massive overthinker.

I can't remember the last time I felt true unadulterated happiness

I've forgotten what it feels like to be happy.

All my happiness feels half empty and tinged with sadness.

When times come around where good things happen or problems temporarily subside, I almost can't believe it.

I can't allow myself to embrace happiness and just let it be, because I'm constantly terrified I'm gonna lose it, and I always do.

I don't think I'm causing the loss of it, but it always leaves me, even the happiness feels half baked.

Another thing which is playing on my mind is my feeling of self worth.

I just know that I'm never truly enough for anyone.

I know in this world, I am nobody's favourite.

Family or Friends

Not in a childish friend chart “I have to be your best friend sort of way”, but I know if I left this world, people would be a bit upset, but they would get over it pretty quickly.

In a family sense I've always felt like a misunderstood black sheep.

In a friend or dating sense, I try to be as good a person as I can, but I must be too straight laced, too safe, too goofy, too poor, too body and sex conscious for people I don't know.

I'm not at my lowest ebb, or I probably wouldn't even be able to articulate to everyone how I'm feeling, but I'm starting to lose hope in finding happiness because clearly I don't make other people happy.

This is not directly referencing any one particular person by the way.

This is just a random late night word vomit.

I feel a bit better sharing

So there you go.