Gay Dating

In this blog post I've decided to be honest in an eye watering way, and today's blog post is about Gay Dating.

I'm 28 years old, turning 29 in July and I have always been single.

Why always?

No not because I'm a sex crazed bachelor play boy, but instead it's a mixture of reasons. The multitude of reasons range from; I'm more interested in them, they are more interested in me, distance, sexual position, kink, age, basically anything you can think of really, but above everything else I've chosen to be single because I don't want to just settle for anybody. I've never had that special mutual feeling with someone that they were special, and if I've wanted to keep going because I saw something, they never do. I'm getting to the stage now where I feel I'm going to be the star of the sequel to 40 year old virgin: The 40 Year Old Singleton. Box office bomb. Rotten Tomato, F Cinema Score.

When you are single for so long, you start to pick at your flaws and wonder if they are the reason you are single. Maybe it's because I don't have much money, maybe it's because my teeth aren't white enough, maybe my dick isn't big enough, maybe my arsehole isn't loose enough etc etc. Fuck knows what the reason is, but I go over all this in my head until I don't have energy to care anymore.

In the beginning when I first moved to Glasgow at 20 years old, and started going on Tinder, Grindr and the like, I was a dating machine. I was on a date every 2 bloody minutes. You are not supposed to have regrets in life, but people who say they have none, are talking shite, because everybody could think of something in a deep enough dive that they wish they could change, and I wasn't mature enough. I got hurt way too easily. I didn't fully understand that everyone has a different pace, and just because they haven't fallen in love with you yet, doesn't mean they never will. If I put my cards on the table early on, and they didn't feel just as strongly, I was like a gay dragon in the den, puffing a lick of pink flame sassily then reeling off “i'm out... not just the closet but also this arrangement. Bye.” Once you go over that bridge with someone, and burn to ash the possibility of being together in that way, you very rarely build the bridge back up to cross it again.

Sex is another thing I had no idea how little I knew. Holy fuck I knew pretty much next to nothing. I only masturbated for the first time at 18, I was very sexually repressed. I've never even really had a lot of pleasurable sexual experiences to date to be honest. If you like having lots of casual sex then go knock yourself out, but I don't like feeling disposable, and you kinda have to be comfortable with just fucking or being fucked and nothing else to go about your life that way. People also don't like to spend time on foreplay, they just want the white stuff then dropkick you out the door to your uber. I like to have sex in the context of a date, so I can be under some delusion that someone actually wants to see me beyond that. Can you guess what happens? Very rarely do I have anal but I have kissed many a frog. Guys always tell me how attractive I am before we go on a date and then after the first date or 2 or 3, they suddenly don't care if they never see me again, cue me getting a complex. I must be bloody shite in the sack or have the personality of a plank, or both maybe. I am also not innocent in the occasional ghosting, but most of the time I'm honest and upfront. If you ghost someone, they might just come to the conclusion that you are a total dickhead, which actually isn't too bad a result. Is that maybe a better outcome, than me saying you are physically unattractive to me or something like that? If they think I'm just a dickhead maybe their confidence stays better intact or maybe it's just justifying my own cowardliness. I am mostly honest though despite saying all that.

Social media is kinda like a dating app too. I post many a scantily clad selfie. I wish I could tell you it was only because I'm being proud of my gym dedication and being body positive, but it's also because I'm single and it's like an advertisement for yourself (look how sexy I am, please love me), and I've managed to garner nearly 13,000 followers on Twitter (humble brag), and as much as I like believe its for my sparkling intellect, my wit or my wisdom, I have feeling it's for taking lots of my clothes off. I can't lie and say it isn't for likes, which sounds silly but true. When I take a picture that I like, part of me is surprised at how good I look (this doesn't happen all the time btw) and I feel I have to show everyone like I have a point to prove “Look everyone look how sexy I am?!” cue big chufty face.

The truth is dating apps very rarely work beyond sex. I have said at different points that I'm coming off them because I become more judgemental of others, but when I do delete them, I feel so cut off from even the slightest possibility of meeting someone by other means. Once you have lived in a city or town for a certain period of time, you kind of know every gay who's around, as the community is usually small and insular, and it's hard to even get a conversation going. Grindr is probs the bottom of the barrel but I'm still on it lol. If I had a reply rate on my profile, then it would say “very rare”. Not only I am unhappy and disillusioned by gay dating on apps in general, but because half the people don't have a picture, or lots send you a pic of their hoop as an opening gambit “hi there, here's a pic of my ringpiece. How are you Chris?” … “Hi i'm just dandy.” I get so many messages on all the apps (another humble brag) that in general I have become the worst replier. I'm very unhappy in my life and the thought of spending the little time I have to relax replying to everyone, makes me want to blow my brains out. I do get back to people, but it takes time and I'm thankful people still give a shit to even try messaging me.

I've only just scratched the surface on this topic but I don't want to babble on so maybe this is just part one. This isn't supposed to be a pro polished edited post but just a word vomit of my feelings. I'd love to meet my dream man one day, but as time goes on, I have a feeling I'm going to be alone forever. “You'll meet someone one day.”... well not necessarily, life isn't a Disney movie, there isn't always a happy ending, and you don't always have to be with someone romantically to be content in life. I'm far from content in my life and I do want to meet a man, but I won't disrespect or lower myself just to be with someone... well I won't disrespect or lower myself... more than I already have.

I'm not saying I'm too attractive or too great a person to be single, but I thought in a funny fashion I would word vomit some incomplete not thought-through feelings. Maybe I should work on myself more than work on being someone I think guys would like.

Hope you enjoyed. Thanks for reading.